Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
