the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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