Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize