I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
