His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
