i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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