Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
