I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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