How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
