Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So many bounce houses so little time
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
