the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
