Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
