FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
