if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
then he tried to convert me to islam
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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