why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Who did Billy Mays play for?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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