so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
