So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
