Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Ketchup is God's man juice
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
