Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
