Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she pinky promised me she was 18
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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