tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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