We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
