You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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