If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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