I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
