I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
