At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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