she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
