I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
