and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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