I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize