well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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