sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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