Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
