Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
