FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
