I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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