I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize