You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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