I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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