If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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