WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
