I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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