My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
