Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
