We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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