I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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