why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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