it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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