I think my vagina is haunted
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
