im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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