the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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