Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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