I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
