I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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