I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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