If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
