I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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