Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She's the barista slut.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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