sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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