You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have aggressive nipples.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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