man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
