I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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