This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
